In this blogging experience I have wondered exactly what would transpire. I have realized that it is entirely up to God. Trying to fit in is not my goal anymore. My goal is whatever His goal is. With that in mind, you will see me in the writing below, but my greater hope is that you will see His amazing grace and love. My heart has always been open to whoever wanted to be in it. This is a moment from my open heart. I have been hurt to the point that breathing was painful, but I have discovered that those are the places where I am most aware of the fingerprints of God. How could I ever understand how to share His heart if I had not experienced what it is to need Him to keep my own heart beating? I want others to know that in the saddest, darkest, most difficult and agonizingly painful times, God is present. When it looks like life is over; it isn’t. When you think you aren’t worth it; you are. When it seems like you are alone; you aren’t. When you don’t feel loved; you can be sure that you are! When you feel like you can’t go on: you can. When you feel fear: step out in faith anyway. He will meet you where you are.
A year ago today I was in a much different place and fear placed me in a chokehold daily. My entire life changed and I was changing with it, but the process seemed to be going in slow motion. I look back and know without a doubt that God has brought me here to this place even if I seemingly took a detour to get here. Some things only God knows for sure and I am understanding how to be content with that. I journal almost daily. As I look back at the difference between an excerpt from my journal entry a year ago to the one from today I am overwhelmed by the grace and mercy of God.
August 4, 2013… Please say you will take care of me Lord. Please. I cannot do any of this without you sustaining me. You are my very present help in time of trouble. Show up please. Sustain me. Don’t let me fail. I question myself. I question every decision I have ever made. I wonder if this is the plan you had for me or did I go my own way. No matter, I know that you will never leave me or forsake me. I know that you will make all things work together for my good. I know, yet I doubt. My humanity bleeds through your righteousness. I fail; my emotions and thoughts fail. Please help me! The only hope I have of seeing things differently is seeing things through your eyes. Show me your way. Reveal your thoughts on the situation. It seems there is a class I failed or that I am spiritually slow. What is wrong with me? How do I shake off these grave clothes that I daily try on? Renew my mind. Sustain me. I need you. Nothing else will suffice.
August 4, 2014…
Lord, There is no circumstance in life that can erase you from the interior of my soul. There is no heartache that is deeper than your love. Your goodness is overwhelming. In the vastness of the pain woven into life, you have a way of transforming everything into something so beautiful that it is difficult to behold with anything other than the spirit man that was created for such an experience. I am a single life that has had a magnifying glass put to it and in the process it set fire to purpose that looked dead. Thankfully you are well acquainted with resurrecting the dead! As I listen to Danny Gokey’s song, “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again”,
I am aware of your presence in a way that can only be adequately described as HOLY. You speak so softly and loudly all at once. My heart beats once again in beautiful rhythm with yours. I am in love with you my King. It is so easy to say “I Do” to the one that loves me so deeply that He paid the price for every sinful thing that would ever boast in its power to condemn. Lord, you gave me your all and I seek to give you all of me. It isn’t much and it is pretty banged up, but it is your to do with what you will. I can find no good thing in me in the light of your glory, but in the light of your grace there is endless possibility. I used to look in the mirror and only see my imperfect reflection; now when I look again I see yours. A thank you will never be enough.
I love you sweetly,